Being that American football is now the most popular sport in this (occasionally) beautiful country, this is probably aimed at the newcomers in the Old Country who are starting to see more and more of our games played over at Wembley or wherever.  So to all you “bent wankers” (that’s a compliment right?) who are showing an interest in OUR game and have no idea where Jacksonville is or what a 49er is, this list is for you.  Then you can make a somewhat informed decision on which team you choose to follow.  I just hope it isn’t Cleveland, for your sake.

First off, you may have noticed that our 32 teams are broken up into two conferences, the AFC and NFC.  We don’t have relegation for bad teams or anything like in your tiered setup.  Without getting into too much detail, let me explain.  A long time ago, there were actually two different North American football leagues, the NFL as you already know it, and the AFL (American Football League).  Eventually they merged together into one league, but kept the distinction and separation by creating two conferences instead: American Football Conference (AFC) and National Football Conference (NFC), with a few exceptions where teams had to switch over just to balance things out.  The winner from each conference ends up playing each other in the Super Bowl.  It is one big league now but to some it could look like it’s not.  In my opinion, the separate conferences aren’t necessary anymore, but I don’t make the rules.

Each conference is broken down into four divisions and each division has four teams based on either geography or rivalry:

AFC East Division

New England Patriots

Located in the Boston area, this team has been by far the most successful team since the turn of the century.

Colors: Red, Navy Blue, White, and a bit of silver

Rivals: New York Jets

Reasons to like:  You love America a bit too much; very popular team ever since 9/11; they tend to have a pretty good defense; if you like a team that wins (especially now) they’ve made the playoffs almost every year for this century; appeared in nine Super Bowls since 2001 and won six of them; stability at both head coach and quarterback, but that may be ending sooner rather than later (Tom Brady IS over 40).

Reasons to dislike: Bandwagon is just about full anyway; see DeflateGate; see SpyGate; they tend to display a lot of arrogance when talking to the media (cocky too, but every NFL team is cocky), they’ve been known to run up the score on occasion just to be a dick.

New York Jets

One of two teams from the New York City area, lately they’ve been struggling to establish a solid quarterback but are usually known to play hard-hitting defense.

Colors:  Green and White

Rivals: New England Patriots

Reasons to like:  You like the color green and you have a relative who lives in New Jersey; potential underdog status.

Reasons to dislike: Over 50-year Super Bowl drought,  they haven’t had a good offense in a long time, their most famous player hasn’t played for them in 40 years, nickname of the defense was once Gang Green (inadvertent self-jab).

Buffalo Bills

Located up in Buffalo, NY, original member of the AFL and a small market team with a good run of success in the 90’s (four straight SB trips and eight playoff appearances) but have struggled to find any since.

Colors: Red, Blue, White

Rivals: Houston Oilers, but they don’t exist anymore

Reasons to like: Never seem to be in the middle of controversy; they now have an established franchise QB; it’s amazing anytime they can convince a star player to come play for them in those cold temps; long and storied history; very loyal fanbase; underdog potential.

Reasons to dislike:  There was recent talk about a move to Toronto (which has halted for now); you hate cold weather, they made four straight Super Bowls and didn’t win a single one…talk about letdowns.

Miami Dolphins

South Florida team who probably hates that they are in the same division as three teams way up in the northeast

Colors: Teal, Orange, and White

Rivals:  NY Jets (should be Tampa but they only play each other once every presidential term)

Reasons to like: Location; team with a long history and a couple Super Bowl victories; sweet unis; Ace Ventura: Pet Detective is your favorite movie; you are only looking to be a casual football fan, as you would fit right in.

Reasons to dislike: Fanbase is below average so there isn’t much for home-field advantage or noisy crowds; they had a lot of success decades ago, but are very inconsistent lately; you hate the humidity.

TO BE CONTINUED…

[This post was updated once in 2019]